My experience with the Mormon church.
When I was 18, I remember one specific instance driving in my car to work. At a stoplight, I felt despair in my heart as I prayed:
“God, If I can’t be who I am, if who I am is sin to you, then I guess you’ve lost me.”
“I can never lose you.”
These are the words I heard, these are the words I felt in that moment.
And I felt peace.
I felt peace because I was beginning to realize that God, or whatever higher intelligence I was communicating with, could never leave me. No matter what i did or said, no matter what choices I made or what I chose to think about anything, God could never leave me.
And, this was not who I thought God was, it was contradicting what I was taught about God my whole life.
This did not dissolve my guilt all at once, but it started me following my own path, discovering who God really is. Discovering what real love is.
I studied Christianity a little bit, but I soon found the same type of deception there. The fullness of peace from the answer I had received was not fully in any church, or gospel.
I was on the path to learning about light, love, and happiness. But I felt alone.
I felt such a sense of relief when I learned that none of this religion stuff mattered. I could be anything I wanted to be… but who was I? Who am I without these teachings? Who am I without all of this guidance, from both the church and my family? How could I be accepted by choosing this unknown path, a path of no religion?
Only my own guidance from the Divine was leading me. I soon discovered it was my own inner voice, the voice of God through me and myself wholly leading the way. Speaking words of encouragement and faith into my life.
I felt so liberated, but I also felt lonely.
I felt alone in church when I didn’t believe a word any of the leaders or teachers said.
I watched many youtube videos on people leaving the church, and I felt so sad at the thought of needing to leave my family as these people had done.
I felt despair at needing to let my family down.
I cried uncontrollably as I drove over 2,000 miles away from my home, just to get away from the church’s grasp and away from my families expectations.
I sobbed at the thought of not being the daughter my mother hoped I would be.
I’m sorry mom.
I felt trapped in the world of the church, but so free in the world of truth. A world of life, where I can determine my own truth, through the Divine.
So free to come and go from anything as I please.
No expectations surrounding me.
No right or wrong way of doing things.
And the world seemed so big in those moments.
But it’s also very simple.
I can be whoever I’d like to be.
I can feel whatever I’d like to feel.
I can go wherever I’d like to go.
Others may react to me and my choices. But, as long as every decision I make, is made with my whole heart, I cannot lose.
I cannot lose, I cannot lose
I’m only gaining. In life experiences, in love, in myself, I can only gain.
And my struggle with religion, the past 4 years wasn’t fake. It was very real. So real it has brought me to where I am now.
So I sometimes have to question everything, everything that I believe.
I get to deliberately choose what I believe in my life.
I get to feel out if something is accurate and true for my own life experience.
I get to settle in, and be myself.
This is so freeing.