For a few months now, I’ve been hitting an “escape button” in my life. I’ve had some challenges present themselves in my life, and escaping is one way I have dealt with that. I am not proud of this, and I wish I could say I reacted differently in some ways, though all of this has brought me to where I am now. I feel as though I am in recovery from this, and am getting more expressive in my life.
What can I escape from?
In the beginning (right as I was facing some emotional challenges), I wanted to get away from anything that felt like responsibility or work. I would get stressed out at the smallest things. I would never clean anything because I felt it would take up too much of my relaxing time. I stopped doing all yoga and meditation practice, because it too to much effort to think about what and how I wanted to do things. I quit the job I had just started because I was so overwhelmed that it was taking up all of my time, and I had no room to think about what I wanted for my life.
When someone would try to be my friend, I would be so fake with them and put on the illusion that my life was going perfectly well. I didn’t want anyone to know that I felt so depressed an anxious all the time. I couldn’t trust anyone with that information.
And, I just let myself be that way. I let myself stay in bed for weeks. I only did what I felt like doing, which involved playing video games, making food for myself, and sleeping. I didn’t have any motivation or desire to do anything else.
As I allowed myself this time to just rest, and sort things out emotionally, I started to feel better. Little by little. One day I decided to clean my room and sort through some of my things. Another day I decided to lay in my bed and meditate. I started to practice yoga on my own again too, though it is still sporadic. I am starting to get better. I noticed that I’m willing to start into some projects again, where before I would want to hit the escape button and stay in bed. I still have some urges to hit that button.
And it’s ok. It is 100% ok to hit the escape button.
Hit that button as many times as you need, because everything will change soon, even if you have no motivation in life. This too, shall pass.
Through it all, I just wanted to stay connected to me. If I disconnect from myself, how could I function at all? Just keep your intention and thoughts to yourself, follow your own roadmap. Even if the roadmap has you stop for a while to contemplate where you are.
I hope you, reading this, are filled with a little more hope. Thank you for being here, and being your best, effortlessly.