Growing up.

(You don’t need to live your best life right away.)

I always thought my life would lead me in a particular direction. The momentum of my life was building up to a particular outcome, and then things changed. Things stopped. Things shifted with a bang. I think this same thing can be said for everyone. Someone told me just yesterday, “I don’t know who I am anymore.” And it’s not about what’s happening on the outside, or what the world, the media, or anyone else says is happening. The change is within. The change has started years ago within ourselves, and the results from that are happening now. These massive breakdowns and identity crises, they are meant to break down who we thought we were. To break that momentum of a life that we are outgrowing.

“I don’t know who I am anymore.”

I’m having to start over. I have had to rethink everything, there’s no easy way out of this.

But oh, how strong we will be when we grow ourselves into new, evolved beings. I’ve started back with the very basics. I didn’t work for about 8 months this year. Each day was filled with fear, and anxiety for the next one. I was just surviving day to day. All cares about money aside, I had enough saved up to cover my basics. Some weeks I would barely leave my bed. I was sleeping in my parent’s dining room (transformed into a bedroom with sheets over the doorways), I had minimal privacy. But I felt more secure then I had in a long time. Anxious, but secure. I felt some sort of chrysalis stage forming, and one day I had the courage to start looking into applying for jobs. I could feel my extended winter blues beginning to soften, and I could participate in society again. Even if it was in a small way.

I went to a lot of interviews, and was told “no” a lot. People didn’t want to hire a person like me, but I needed some sort of purpose, so I kept looking. Now I work in a call center, which is probably the most boring and exciting job all in one. I don’t want to be there forever, but now I recognize that some steps I need to take in life are baby steps. I don’t need to start living my dreams right away. It takes time to build them up, and steady thinking and planning. You can’t just walk in to your dream life.

You have to build up the life you want step by step.

Sometimes you are meant to start over with the momentum of your life. Sometimes you’re not going to know who you are. What better way to return to the basics?

Who am I?

Ask yourself this and think.

Who am I?

Now really think, who are you? beyond all the labels, the titles, the past experiences, the money, the lack of money, the failures and all the successes.

Who am I?

I hope your heart will lead you to who you are, who you need to know yourself to be now. Remember you are love. You are hope and light, you are all that is joyful.

Build the life you’re dreaming of, step by step. Remember you don’t need to get to the destination today.

One thought on “Growing up.

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