Sometimes doing the right thing for myself feels wrong. I am used to what’s easy for me and used to comforts and the path of least resistance in my life. I am finding that improving myself is requiring making myself do things that I don’t feel like doing. Right now I have pretty much all the time I want and it never feels like I have enough time. So, I’m trying to figure out how to use my time in a way that is valuable to me as well as restful for me. Wasting time isn’t rewarding for me even though playing games, and consuming information, and watching TV is fun and pleasurable. It’s not what makes me happy.
What makes me happy is knowing when to take a break and knowing when to work really hard on something that I’m passionate about. What makes me happy is growing and seeing progress in my life. Playing it safe, staying inside and keeping all my thoughts inside of me isn’t happy for me. But it’s safe. It’s safe to shut everyone out so I can’t get hurt. It’s safe to not write any of my thoughts down so I don’t have to face them. It’s safe to stay in bed, so I don’t have to have people judge my appearance. Just because these things keep me safe doesn’t mean it’s how I want my life to be. I don’t want to shut people out of my life forever. I don’t want to stay in bed all day. I don’t want to keep my thoughts inside my head, that would drive me crazy.
I recently did a yoga video that I’ve done dozens of times before, though it’s been a while since I’ve practiced it. I am coming back to a yoga sequence that used to be fun, and easy and joyful. When I practice it now, I feel so stiff and immobile. I’ve let myself stagnate in my yoga and I’ve kind of lost the ability to do some poses fully, or at least not how I used to be able to do them. Yoga is a great way to see what’s actually going on in my life because this because it’s a physical thing. I can relate it to other areas of my life. I am working to get the motivation to do the things I want to do. It feels wrong to do the yoga because it doesn’t come as naturally to myself anymore. It doesn’t feel right but I know it is stretching and expanding my body and my attention span into places it hasn’t been in a long time.
It feels wrong to write this. It feels wrong to express my thoughts. I haven’t let myself fully do this for some time. Is this what it’s like to be asleep? Is this what it’s like to shut down and not allow any growth in my life? How can we move on when hard things happen in our lives? How can we move on and express and write and grow when we’re hurting inside? Playing it safe isn’t helping the hurt. Giving it room to be may be my medicine.